hmmmm

So..I wonder how much of that last post was driven by hormones?

Either way, I thought about it...I'm happy just being around him when were with other friends. I don't really want to push anything. Time will be a major factor.

Seis is really cute. He keeps meowing though. I took pictures of him last night. I got 2 in like..half an hour. He would not stay still.

I took some hydrocodone, and now I itch. Pills always make me itch.

Tonight I'm staying over at Shawna's.

The inside of my ear is sore. I poked it with a q-tip really hard cause it itched...now it hurts. =/

I have to go to class from 3:30 to 5:30 today...that sucks. I hope Travis and Chris will at least be there. Time goes by so much faster with Chris. Just cause we're into a lot of the same music, he's cute, and he's hilarious. He reminds me of Mike Meyers. I know for a fact I wouldn't be into him. He's too much of a dick to most people. We get along, but in the sarcastic asshole/bitch way. We have some real moments thrown in there too though, so that's cool.

Taylor isn't going to be there, she's the only chick I go to school with that I really get along with. Jenna is alright, but she annoys me sometimes, and she knows it. I tried to talk to this dude last night named David. He's short and chubby and has this beard thing going on. He's so cute in the smurf type way.

He NEVER talks. So like I started asking him questions and stuff. We were working in the same science book, so I asked him if he was still on the 1st chapter...He like blurted "YES". All his answers to my questions were like blurted. Like he was really shy and stuff. I was just like awwwww.

I love being a friendly person. Lately I've been pretty bitchy to most people at my school. I think I might try being nice. A few days ago Chris and I were talking...He was like "You're so much different now that you don't get high"...he said I'm a bitch to people now, and his exact words were "You don't even give people a chance anymore." I know that's true.

For real, I miss being the happy stoner I was. I was going through old journal entries..I used to have a life. A really fun one. Ohhhh welllll.

Maybe I'm so happy cause I haven't slept and had a nice pumpkin spice latte?

I think I'm done rambling now....

Could I be any more obvious?

Are you stupid? Do you not get it?
It's all about you.
How many times do I have to hint, and then drawback?
Just give me some kind of sign without making me feel stupid.
That's all I want...just a sign.

For real... Why can't he get it? I wonder if he'll ever even read this..but if he does and he is reading...DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?

Like, I feel like I make it clear a lot..maybe I don't. I leave sooo many clues though. He's smart, he should be able to figure it out. MAYBE he has figured it out though, and he just doesn't care. Who really knows? I don't. If I felt like it was reciprical it might go farther.

Why do I have emotions? They fuck me up big time and ruin my happy life.

events from the alternative school

So today I got into a bitchy mood. Not depressed or anything..just easily annoyed.

I was like 20 minutes late to school. Chris wasn't there so I was really bored.

I saw Dean coming in from outside and so I just looked the other way..and I looked in his general direction once..but then went back to ignoring me..and I think he might've tried to come up to me but it was pretty obvious I was ignoring him on purpose. He got the hint.

There's this guy. I don't know his name..but he's an asshole. A cocky, arrogant, sarcastic, arrogant asshole.
Were going to call him Asshole in this post. I like assholes usually, but I was in a bad mood. This guy always looks at me, last week he made some smart ass remark about my music being too loud and then later on in the period the teacher said something to him where he responded with "what?" so I answered him for the teacher and said that our teacher told him he was a retard and to shut up.

So tonight..he kept looking at me. I was in the room with hardly any people and he was walking by and staring and I had my music on. So I just said really loud "What the fuck?"

He started to say something so I turned off my music and I was like, 'What was that?' and he started saying saying something like 'were you saying that to me?' and I just said 'No, I was saying that because I wanted to..maybe you just have a guilty conscience?'

He started to say more..but then his friend was right there..and his friend was just like 'Dude, shut up. You're arguing with a girl'
Then Asshole said 'Well she got all bitchy trying to start something' ..or something along the lines of me trying to start something and being a bitch.

The his friend said 'I can't believe you're trying to start a fight with a girl..shut up' And this girl Taylor was over there agreeing with him. The whole time Asshole and I were like staring at eachother in I guess a mean way. Then when his friend told him to shut up..I smiled at Asshole..and went back to my work. Nothing too exciting..but it got a little aggression out. The rest of the night was okay. I held back a couple of times from being mean to people. Just saying something rude when they said something stupid outloud. So yea, it was an okay day.

I found out my 15 year old cousin Lizzie is pregnant and the baby's due in the beginning of December. That's really funny..because her dad is my uncle..and I call him Uncle Asshole..he's a dick. And always likes to think he's god's gift to mankind and his kids are perfect. It may be wrong to think this situation is funny..but I do. I feel bad for Lizzie and all..but really...

Back to the asshole from school. He's such a jerk..But like..I really like assholes. For real, it just attracts me. I'm probably going to end up mrrying a wife beater. No ok, I might kill him first. I'm not sure why I like the cocky, cynnical jerks..but I do. Asshole from school is the poster child of the jerks I like. If he didn't disgust me so much, I might like him. =)

not a psycho today

Wellll..today I'm not acting and thinking like a psycho path.

I decided I really want nothing to do with Dean. I'm going to have to be a bitch and get my point across. I don't like you, I don't want anything to do with you. That's the point I'm going to get across. If I can go through with it that is...I used to have no problem at all being a bitch to people..Guys especially.

I was good at being cold hearted and all that, but like I guess I've been hurt by guys...or maybe just matured a little, and now it's harder for me to come off as a souless bitch. Oh well, I'll figure it out as I go and play it by ear.

As for the other guy..I really don't know. I've been kinda avoiding him and my friends so I won't go anywhere where he is. Ok I'm done for now.

I have a post in escrow about Jorge trying to kill Shawna and Becca, but I don't feel like typing it out right now.

....

My friends piss me off. My family pisses me off. Every fucking thing pisses me off.

For real, I want to just freak out an start screaming. The truth is I would love to go out and get fucked up. Smoke some dope, and just fucking let go. I haven't been high off dope in forever. Fuck weed, that shit is gay. I'm so sick of bullshit. I don't hang out with 'druggies' or 'stoners' anymore..but the good kids. They are so boring. What the fuck. I want to go out to a party and get either really fucked up off dope, or just pissy ass drunk.

It's shroom season and I want to shroom so bad, but I know I shouldn't do it. Just for the simple fact, I'm a lot more different now, and I'd probably be all paranoid and have a bad trip. I'm not stupid. But dude.. I don't even know. It's like I'm depressed, but angry depressed. Like, everything inside me wants to break out and just destroy whatever is around me. I used to get like this and fight..I really wouldn't mind going out and just starting a fight. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just a flat out psycho.

I hate being home a lot. I get so frustrated. I think I slept probably 2 or 3 hours since yesterday..maybe that's why I'm in sucha bitchy mood.

Hey, I could always blame it on pms...but nooo wait. I can't. Yet another example of how I'm a fucked up kid that NEVER has normal shit happen.

I could just go through a list right now of people and the list would be my "Fuck You" list.

Alot of my "friends" would be on it. Okay, since I'm venting...There's this one chick I know.

She's such a great person...Gosh, always involved. Always the perfect kid.

"Hey, you're cool. We should hang out.."

These people try and get me to stay away from drugs... Well what the fuck.
I love being blown off. Like I'm a bad influence or just not quite right? Not fun?
Here's a flashing news update..I don't know you..you're a bitch. MAYBE..I'm not going to act like
Suzi from the fucking bake sale and pretend I've known you forever and just open up like life is great.

Seriously, I know if I hadn't moved..life wouldn't have been perfect..but I had a lot of friends. The kind I actually knew them. The real them. Not a bunch of super ficial "good intentioned" bitches. Like I'm some kind of low life scum? Fuck that.

I like to down play myself on purpose to people I meet and know. I dress like a grungy kid. Like I'm on well fare probably. I know for a fact a lot of peope think I'm some well fare case. Maybe not so much anymore, but if truth be told..I live in one of the nicest areas in this area. I'm surrounded by doctors and lawyers. I'm not bragging at all. It's just making a point that these people think I'm some kind of charity case. Fuck them.

I really don't want to go back to drugs and those people. But like, at least it fills up my week and I have shit that's fun to do. And they don't give a fuck about me. Just the drugs. Maybe I'm really into tht thing and just didn't know it. I really don't know. I can safely say..that none of my current 'friends' know all about the 'real' me. They know bits and pieces..enough to tie together with assumptions.

But like I said..Maybe I'm just one crazy bitch.

grrrrrr.

Well..I was supposed to go out tongiht with Rach. She had to babysit and is supposed to call me when she gets off. She is taking FOREVER. I've been answering my phone thinking it was her. Dean called. I told him I was busy and was gonna go out..I might call him back later tonight when I get back but it could be late.

I feel kinda bad for blowing him off...I don't even know why dude. I'm not a bitch..but like..wow. I'm acting weird about this whole thing.

So ok.

For the past couple of months I've been really into this one guy. Totally, like..He just seemed so perfect for me. Well it never really escalated into "us". I started backing off cause like..I didn't want to come off as being psycho or just obsessed.

Then there's another guy that I go to school with. His name is Dean. I never really talked to him much at school other than comments here and there. I had this kinda big crush on him for like a week or so, then h never really made a move or whatever or talked to me so I kinda dropped it. Well last night in class I was sitting next to him and we started talking a little bit more.

I've seen him looking at me before and stuff, but I always just try not to look at him because I odn't want him to see me looking. But anyway last night he wrote me this note because no one was allowed to talk.

All it said was "Hey is it cool if I call you sometime"..I couldn't help it. I wrote back "Sorry, I don't believe in phones..no exceptions" and gave it back to him. He looked at me kinda funny..then I was just like nah dude I was joking.

So we talked for so long last night. Like hours. Well, that seems like the cute little story book ending...But I don't know if I really like him. I know he likes me, and I probably made it seem like I liked him enough.

But, the truth is..He isn't the other guy. I mean, he's smart enough..but like..not the dry humor type or witty sarcastic way that I like. I like cynnical guys..Dean is I don't know. He seems too naive almost..but that's not really the word. I like him okay I guess...but I don't have the same feelings about him like butterflies in the stomach and all this giddy excitement. I feel kinda sick. All day today I've been avoiding the phone cause he said he was gonna call. I didn't go to class when I said he would..I think he went to meet me there. I'm avoiding him and I don't even know why. Yea..I'm confused. I don't know whether to give him a chance or not.

My day today...

Well, lately I haven't been sleeping much. Earlier during the day around 1 pm ish I had been up for 24 hours. I went to bed tonight around 8 pm. So i had been up for a while. The my phone rang and it was Audra at like 11 or so. So I talked to her for an hour and ahalf or so, and I was wide awake. Ever since then I've been kinda hyper.

This morning and stuff I went and saw a counselor about all this rape stuff. For reals, I've never actually placed a word on it. It's weird. It's different today than it was even two days ago. The way of classifying it.

But anyway, on to the important part of my day. After the counselor I went over to Ginny's house. No, not me..another Ginny. SO i was hanging out with her and like, they needed to get rid of their cat Seis.

I've stayed the night over there before and hung out with Seis before and he's a way cool cat. His name is Seis cause his two front paws both have 6 toes. you know..uno, dose, trece, cuatro, cinco, Seis.

My grandparents have made it very known they don't want another cat though. But still, it was like saving Seis' life. So i smuggled him into the house in a backpack. I hid him in my room for a few hours then decided to tell my grandma..

She was sooo pissed. My grandpa really freaked out. He was yelling, and he freaked Seis out so bad. So like they said I had until Saturday to find him a new home or they'd get rid of him. Well, I was supposed to keep him in the garage/rec room. My cat Smiley, the cat we've had for years and years. He's a really big old tom cat..he really did not like the idea of sharing his house with Seis. He was acting liek a psycho. In the end, Seis ran away out the cat door. I miss him already. ='(

So tonight I went on kind of a writing binge. Which is cool cause I haven't written anything really in a long time. Anything that was really important to me.

Here's another one from tonight...

I want to hold you like our lives were
written on a page of suburbian history.
Instead of our current paperback dime story mysterey.
Wondering if I still love you enough to care,
even if it means being scared of what will happen next.
You were still alive last time I checked, months ago.
How come you can't be like the moms they show on TVLAND?
The rare kind that understand, or even stay in their child's life/
Is it really so hard to decide if loving you is worth it?
I guess that's what it comes to when the options are
me, or your next hit.
If you were around, I'm sure you would have found
a life with your kids would have been much more satisfying
than all the things you've always hid.

Do you hear me now?

I didn't say a word.
Now it seems that silence is the only way to be heard.
Making my silent response an answer for you to flaunt.
Did you go home and sit upon your throne using our encounter as a personal treat,
as meaningless as a simple morsel to eat?
But it was really a treat turned into a feast.
Who else has seen your inner beast?
I was just some little girl causing your toes to curl.
You hurled your desires, now I'm hurling my emotions.
But it's different. What you did was apparent to only me.
What I'm doing is transparent to you,
but look through into my pain.
This is the game,
No one else to give it a name. So here I am.

You get the idea.

Let's joke about it some more.
No one would go through it but a whore, right?
Nevermind the fight before, nevermind how she pleaded
"Please, no more..."
Laugh about the pain. Anything to keep yourself believing
you are infact sane and untainted by shame.
What about the cost of your glee? The ones haunted by a never ending memory,
the ones who were unable to flee the assault itself.
Physically, and emotionally used, and now further abused by you.
During all this fun and banter..ask youself..
Is this really a laughing matter?

Random

I wrote this when I was in one of those blagh moods. It isn't that significant.


I mask my self behind my imagination.
Never committed to anything but to comdemnation.
I pretend I'm running when I'm truly resting,
the only thing you see pressing
is my imgination masked by your creation.
I'm pleasing you,
I'm teasing me.
Put me in the spotlight...
It's my home...Light of hate, light of cruetly.
Just don't make your intentions known.
Always quick to assume...I can never find the truth.
I'm so quick to judge myself, I'm so quick to amuse myself.
I'm so quick to brag about myself. Always so quick to judge myself.
I can't be saved from myself. This is my hell. Only covered by your and my shell.

Inspired by Tyler.

I had a friend die recently in a car crash while driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol. This was inspired by him, but it's mostly for my other friends whow ere affected by his death but are still making the same choices he made that ended up killing him.


sleeping in the devil's playground
not a single truth to be found
you're invincible.
never coming to your senses un til
something happens.
never thinking something could dampen
the fun you're partaking
suddenly your heart is breaking
harder and harder to stop aching
death came. it hit a nerve
this pain isn't something you deserve
but maybe it's what you need in order to swerve
and get off your own path of destruction
not meeting in the same deadly conjunction
You can't look away.
I can't look away.
If you insist to stay
In the playground
where all the drugs and pain that surround
your heart is where you'll be sure to be found.

For starters.

Well, I made this blog to vent, and even rant about pointless things. It also serves as a place to post some poems. If you want to comment fine. Pointers are cool. If you're going to tear up what I write, then don't bother.

I wrote this last night because this time of eyar brings back a lot of memories and for some reason last night I was really hurting. I wa shurting on the inside for a long time, then once I started writing this I sort of broke and began crying. Letting go a little bit at a time.

Was it rape?
Either way I can escape my actions. Can't wash away all the dirt that I tracked it.
Why can't I forget about all the palces I've been? I always find myself burried in it up to my chin.
But still, I got it off my chest, I confessed. Somehow only adding to the stress of being a so-called "victim"
No one was there to restrict him, but I was.
And that's the truth. A simple error of a youth.
Still unable to get rid of a memory even through amturity and growth.
Where do I go now?
I know it's one seed burried and still one I continue to plow.