Why does stuff with my Mom hurt so much?
Oh..maybe it's because she basically fucking ABANDONED me. For real, do I even want her to be normal at this point? If she did become normal, could I forget about all the things she's already done to me?

At this point though, maybe if she changed..it would mean a lot more.

My Grandma is the only Mom I've had, and she's been a great one. But she won't be around forever, or as logn as a Mom usually would..
What if my Grandma isn't around when I get married? I don't think even if my Mom was around, I'd want her at my wedding..IF she was around.
Yep, that's all for now.

She cries, and she doesn't know why
The box is closing in, but all she does is shout.
Any action eliminated by doubt.

Ok, well it's not anything special, but It was one of those things where I was listening to beats and it kinda came out. One of the not thinking about it ones. But it makes so much sense.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I'm a senior in highschool, after this year, I can go on to do anything I want with my life. This school year I haven't been doing to good, just goofing off mostly. Last friday was the cut off to make half a credit for the month. I hadn't gotten half a credit in two months.

My teacher gave me a political science class, so I started it Friday and finished the whole class in about an hour. It's like once I do accomplish something it gives me a push and I can start on the harder things. Last night I got serious about some math, and science. I'm so ridiculously close to finishing my math class. That gives me a push also. I started looking at a flyer about this college exchange program in Arizona. And then I went through some college books and stuff. I'm going to apply to Northern Arizona University. That's my plan for now.

I want to take the SAT's but my school being an alternative school doesn't really offer it. I have to go through the regular highschool. I'm really scared to take them. I don't want a bad score. If I don't do really well, it'll be like I failed.

I like it when I get in these focused moods. It's like, I'm not attached to anything, and I like that. I love focusing on my goals. Guys really do get in the way. When I devote all my focus to them..and them alone...fuck that. I need to go after my future as an individual. It's one thing to focus on my goals, then to get the drive to go after them. It seems like when I'm attached to someone else, I only think of my goals as a far off dream, something I don't need to strive for.

Partially what made me work so hard last night was my teacher. It was like she was challenging me to do it. And I really wanted to prove her wrong, and show her that if I want to I can do anything. I don't know how I can use that to my advantage all my life. Or if that's even a good thing. You'd think I'd want it for myself, which I do. But still, it's so weird. I want so much, but it's like I'm not that willing to give.

Well, that's about it for now. There's a lot more inside, I just don't know how to get it out. They're mostly weird emotions that I can't word.