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I want to sleep but I have to write two letters to two different uncles. Christmas break has gone by pretty fast. In another couple of blinks, it'll be completely over. Last year it snowed so we got an extra week off. This year It probably won't, plus snow kinda sucks. Oh well.

I was over at Shawna's today watching a marathon of a Canadian t.v. show we both love, so it was pretty relaxed all day. She really is a good friend. Probably the best up here. I guess I just don't notice it as much as I should. It's cool to have someone to trust. It seems like trust is rare, so yep. Definetly appreciate it.

I don't have much else, just taking a break from the whole letter writing thing.

rah rah rah!

Christmas was cool. Nothing went completely haywire and fucked it up. Always a plus. My New Years Resolution is to change the way I think, and become a truely nice person. Or at least make a major effort. I'm gonna try and be more positive. Yep. And like 86% of the rest of America.. I will lose 10 pounds!! lol.

Oh, I'm going to try and not cuss too, and do some reconstructive work on my vocabulary.

That would be about it.

nightmare

I just woke up not too logn ago and I had a hardcore nightmare.

I was with a friend and we were in a house with guys and there was another girl. It turned out my friend's boyfriend was violent. Two guys were with the other girl. It was almost like I wasn't really there but just watching. Anyway..The boyfriend was going to rape my friend. He pulled out a knife and started stabbing her over and over..in the other room I could hear the two guys raping the other girl and gun shots and her screaming over and over. I heard a lot of screaming. I guess we were in the the boyfriend's house, because his dad was an angry drunk and they didn't want him to hear the gunshots or else he might come after them.

I ended up calling 9-11 and hiding under some cushions and other stuff on the floor. It was like the location I gave was my own house, but It was still like I was visiting and didn't know the actual adress. The guys came in looking for more people. I thought I made eye contact with one a couple times. I was really scared. They had a gun again.

One of the guys from the other room brought in the other girl. But it was like she was ok, not bleeding or anything. He was talking to the boyfriend who had stabbed my friend. And bragging and showing him how he did it. And replayed the whole thing while I watched..minus the screaming.

They were checking to make sure no one was in there and they were sticking some kind of hot thing on me..like a heated wire. It kept burning but I knew I couldn't make a sound. Finally they were throwing fire out into the room to make sure no one was there. I guess that's when the cops showed up...but it didn't happen in my dream. It was just over. I saw myself..I guess it was myself, I'm not really sure. But "I was walking down a long chain link balcony type thing and people were following me with cameras and stuff.

Then I was back at the house I started in. I saw the Dad..he started yelling and I ran out laughing. And running down the hill into the front yard and then all these people popped up. I guess we had been playing some kind of dare you to do it game. Like the house had that history and the local kids didn't believe it. So we'd act it out or something. I don't know. It's really confusing to me.

another post

Ok..I'm coming u with more stuff.

I'm getting attached to someone who I shouldn't be. I don't want to be. It's really pissing me off. I don't know what to do about it. Say it? Be considered stupid for it...or Say it and have it possibly..very slight possibility..but anyway..have it turn into something more. It's like at this point I should just push this person away. That's what I think I'm going to have to do. It's like this person is influencing a lot of my choices. I think I'm probably depressed anyway and it's just an outlet or something like that. I'm not really sure.

I'm thinking about seeing a counselor... I don't want to be on any medicine though. But it's like...if someone has diabetes, or cancer..it would be absolutley stupid for them to not take their medicine. Maybe I need it? But, I really do not want it. It seems like I'm a zombie with it..But at the moment I'm really not far from that anyway.

I hate how it's almost like I can counsel myself..but it only goes so far, and doesn't stick.
Yea...I don't know. This hwole person thing is really bothering me. I hate not knowing what it's like from the other end. For real, I probably come off as a psycho. I have no idea. I try to hide a lot of it. But then I wonder about if it's reciprical..or whatever. Yea I'm done now.

i'm bored so i'm posting.

I really hope no one fucking reads this shit. I wrote a couple of new poems the other night in class.

First one..



This breath holds so much
It holds my answer
It holds my key
It holds the touch of eternity
It releases my desires
It releases the pain
It releases the feelings that things will never change
Don't hold my hand,
Why start now?
Everything is finally clear now
Dusk was here, the sun has set
Everything once lost in yours and my debt
Is it sinking in fast?
For this breath will be my last



The other one I wrote is stupid. I don't really feel like posting it. If I do, I have to do some more work on it.
It's weird..Like I thought about walking out of class and going down to the train tracks and standing on them and just waiting for a train to come. Pain lasting for half a second. But I was thinking about this and part of me got the scared feeling..like I really don't want to do that. But then the other part was pressing me like I needed to do it. I'm a fucking psycho bitch. I'm such a loser now. Maybe things will get more exciting iwth a license..but whatever.