empty

i'm so empty. really really empty.

If it wasn't for some hope of God and an afterlife.. suicide wouldn't scare me at all. I've prayed to be "saved" from everything. If God's real to do something. I almost feel bad for asking, but is it so bad to want to feel needed? If God was real, he certainly wouldn't need me or anyone.

I don't know why it hurts that I'm really not needed. I'm so stuck in life. What is there to really look forward to? I can't think of much. I feel like I could have potential to do something. But, then if I don't.. that would be the ultimate let down, and I really don't want to be hurt like that. My friend out of the blue tonight told me I was scared of rejection. Of course I am. I hate being hurt. I'd rather never be hurt and hur tothers than get hurt once and have the pain last. But then, I hurt this way too.

I don't really know the answer to my problems. I don't even know how to define my "problems". The solution evades me. Periodically while I'm drivign I'll find a tree somewhere up a head, or a bridge or over pass, and think about what place I would need to start gaining speed in order to hit it dead on and have a good enough impact to die on contact, or to make it over the edge.

That's about all I have right now. I might add more.